Singtamis ng Wine, Singtatag ng Sunshine*

*kapag alam mo kung saang kanta galing tong mga lyrics na 'to, may 54% chance na ikaw si Katrina Go.

***

Mahal Kong Kating,

Na-tempt akong magsorry sa dating sinabi ko na pa-conyo kang mag "Fuck You." Pero hindi ko na babawiin yun. Galing sa puso ko yun. Kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo, kung near-death na rin ako dahil sa isang natataeng jeep driver, malamang, hindi ko sinabi yung "Fowk Yewwww!" Malamang, sinabi ko, "Tangina mo ka, Manong!"

Hindi laging comfortable ang buhay natin. Maraming times na napuputulan tayo ng kuryente at malunggay lang ang laman ng ref. Alam ko na-experience mo na rin na ma-delay ang bayad ng tuition. Hindi sa lahat ng panahon, maginhawa. Pero alam ko na mag-a-agree ka sa akin na kahit hindi laging maalwan ang buhay natin, hindi natin ipagpapalit yung paraan na lumaki tayo. Hindi natin ipagpapalit sa bidet ang tabo natin sa banyo. Hindi natin ipagpapalit ang mga sachet ng toyo at suka sa kusina, at ang Champion detergent (dahil iisa lang ang Champion). Hindi natin ipagpapalit ang mga electric fan natin na kailangang i-pray over para gumana.

Proud ako sa ating magkakapatid, sa pagiging grounded nating mga tao. Kumpara sa mga taong nakakasalamuha natin, mas malawak ang pangunawa at mga pananaw natin sa mga bagay-bagay. Sige, oo na, hindi pa tayo nakakapunta sa ibang time zone, hindi pa tayo nakakaranas ng snow, pero alam ko na ikaw (pati si Adriane at Mayang din) ay a-agree na maraming mga maliliit na mga ligaya sa buhay ang hindi ipinagkait sa atin. Yung mga finer things in life, alam ko na paunti-unti, nae-experience na din natin. Pero malaki ang pagpapasalamat ko na pinalaki tayo sa paraang gusto kong mapalaki ang mga magiging anak ko.

Ita-try kong gumawa ng listahan ng mga maliliit na kajologang bagay na nagbubuklod sa ating magkakapatid.

1.) Videoke. Okay din naman ang RockBand, kaso walang mga kanta ang Aegis sa RockBand. Sulit na pang-alis ng pagod sa trabaho. Hanggang garagal na ang lalamunan. Hanggang may umangal na neighbors. Malamang wala naman. Kanya-kanyang panahon lang naman yan sa pag-abuso ng mic. Feeling ko nga, may unspoken treaty sa Camella Homes na bawal magreklamo kapag nagvi-videoke ang kapitbahay mo. (Teka, bayad na ba yung videoke player natin??)

2.) Teleserye. Nakakainis na dahil sa schedule natin sa trabaho, hindi na tayo nakakapanood ng "Katorse". Pero okay lang yan. Pakwento na lang tayo kay Mylene. Sana lang naliligo siya araw-araw. Pero sabi niya, hindi raw yata siya maliligo hanggang hindi na-re-reelect si Erap.

3.) Pagko-commute. Nakakapagod, oo. Nakakadugo ng wallet, I know, right. Pero naman. Saan ka pa ba makakapanood ng mga movies ni Dolphy at ni Philip Salvador? Which brings me to one realization - gusto ko naman pala ang mga movies na may song-and-dance number sa ending, provided na first na ipinalabas yung movie before 1991. Hindi ko din ma-explain 'to, pero effective na pampatulog yung mga nagpupunta sa harap at nagpapasa ng mga envelope na may nakalagay na "Love Offering".

4.) Street Food. Ma-achieve ko lang ang target weight ko, babalik ako sa pagkain ng kwek-kwek at gulaman. Nami-miss ko na rin yung mga donut na tag-P2, yung piniprito sa tabi-tabi lang. Yung pinagulong-gulong sa asukal. Mas masarap pa sa Krispy Kreme. As in.

5.) Spaghetting matamis. Nakita mo na ba yung bagong commercial ng UFC Ketchup? Naiyak ako dun. Hindi dahil na-touch ako, kundi dahil nami-miss ko nang kumain ng spaghetti. Yung matamis. Yung may 6/7 na bote ng ketchup. Yung natitirang 1/7 na bote ng ketchup, lalagyan pa ng mainit na tubig. Masarap na sawsawan ng galunggong fried to perfection.

6.) Tabo. Dati, naalala ko, for some reason, nawala yung tabo natin. Buti na lang, marami tayong lumang lalagyan ng ice cream. Mas masaya kayang maligo gamit ang tabo. Mas ramdam mo yung hampas ng tubig. Parang dura lang kasi yung shower e. Pero pag marami na tayong pera, papa-install tayo ng European style shower head sa banyo. Para kang naliligo sa alulod, ang lakas niya!

7.) Pamamalengke. Hindi mo masyadong na-experience 'to, kasi ako lang naman ang laging sinasama ni Mama kapag namamalengke siya. Yung mga characters sa utak ko, inspired sa mga characters na nakikita ko sa palengke. Hindi lang mga mikrobyo ang napupulot ko sa palengke. Sa palengke ako natutong magtiwala. Kahit gaano katagal mawala si Mama, alam ko babalikan niya ako kasi babayaran niya yung kinain ko na palabok.

8.) Gay lingo. Dati, nagagamit natin 'to para hindi maintindihan ni Mama yung mga pinaguusapan natin. Pero ngayon, dahil sa lagi tayez nag-ge-Gay lingo sa balaychina, pati si Mudrabelles, chumechever na. Kalerky.

9.) Sarah Geronimo. Tayo lang ang nakakaintindi nito. Dapat talaga siya na lang yung ginawang Vivian, instead of KC Concepcion. Napakapilit. Nakakasakit sa bungo yung pagpupumilit niyang maging jologs.

10.) Wowowee. Epektibong pampatalas ng isip ang game na Hep Hep Hooray (oo, Hep Hep, hindi Hip Hip). Kapag nasa office ako, naiinis ako kapag nasa Discovery Channel yung TV sa pantry kapag lunch time. Nililipat ko agad sa Wowowee. Nagbibigay ng ibang saya sa puso ko ang mga hairstyle ni Pokwang. Mas nakakayanan kong tiisin yung remaining half ng araw ko sa trabaho.

Bigla akong tinamad magsulat. Nag-vivideoke na kayo e. Hindi niyo na naman ako hinintay.

Looking back, wala ako dapat maging bitterness sa buhay. Marunong akong mag-English. Hindi ako nagte-text lingo. Marunong akong magmura ng malutong kapag hinihingi ng pagkakataon. Hindi sumasakit ang tiyan ko sa isaw. Alam ko kung paano mag-commute papunta sa Silang, Cavite. Matatag ako sa init (pero mahina ako sa aircon). Kaya kong mabuhay sa P50 sa isang araw, kung hindi ako lalabas ng bahay. Alam ko ang pinaka-bonggang paraan para ma-enjoy ang P500 sa isang araw.

Masaya ako sa buhay natin. Magaganda tayong mga tao, na kayang mabuhay sa lahat ng uri ng sitwasyon. Kaya natin 'to dahil kahit madalas tayong magmurahan at mag-"hiraman" ng napkin, mahal natin ang isa't isa.

P.S. I-promise mo sa akin na hindi ka mag-bo-boyfriend na mahilig mag-dudeparechong at nagsusuot ng orig na Crocs. Itatakwil kita.

***

If you are real, you will be ugly only to those who do not understand.

Cognac

They are able to kill.

They are able to give life.

They can cause the dying breath of a man.

They can cause the erratic breathing of a woman.

Your hands.

***

366 days (give or take a thousand shared heartbeats)

No other lover has touched me without touching me.

Here's to distilling the cognac.

***

I want you to

reach depths unreached

then come back to the surface and be my friend.

I want you to take me

the way a man should:

brutal

reckless

almost animal.

Stop Reading Now, This Is About Love

I was wearing only drops of water.

You kept putting your head between my legs. It wasn't the best time. We share the same bed almost every night. At night, your hand is upon my bosoms. But mornings...mornings are for myself. With your lips at my feet, I knew just what you wanted.

The madness of 5 a.m. I ran away from you. I put on the clothes that you were lying on earlier. You thought I was being coy.

So you did something that you have never done before - you bit me. Twice.

You don't do that to someone you love.

You must go.

You must go, Garf.

***

DISCLAIMER: Garf is our pet cat. I have a lot of sexual deviations, but I DO NOT PRACTICE BESTIALITY.

***

Up in the ranks with mascots and dogs in bringing me intense fear would be needles. Today, I needed shots to make sure that I don't end up fearing water, too, in a few weeks. I was scared beyond my wits (and I have a lot of wits, so that's A LOT of scared-ness). It's Wednesday. Everyone is busy wrestling with the week, to get it halfway done. I didn't expect anyone to go out of their way to be with me.

Today was a lesson in faith.

***

"Kung marami kang gagawin, wag na. Okay lang ako. Ninenerbyos lang ako ng bongga."

"Sigurado ka, okay ka lang?"

"Hahanap na lang ako ng puwedeng sumama sa akin. Yung malapit lang. Malayo ka pa e."

"Ako na lang. Paalis na ako."

***

Sitting on some rickety, many-times-repainted bench in some emergency room, remembering my disgust of hospitals and why I didn't become a doctor. The a/c unit (yes, unit, there was just one) wasn't working, but it wouldn't matter. I was cold anyways, and it was 1 pm. I'm not in love with my job, and I should be happy that I got a day's worth of sanity break, but I was endlessly annoyed that it had to be because of a cat bite. I don't know who to hate. Myself? The cat? My sister? Saddam Hussein?

So I sat there. Bored. Scared. Texting everyone I knew (and it's a good thing that it's not a very large number of people). "Oh, that's horrible." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Yes, you deserve it." Words that comfort the way your own saliva eases thirst.

So I sat there. Looking at my Betadyne-stained foot. Rubbing my hands with sanitizer every 3 minutes, hospitals make me feel filthy. Watching a girl who couldn't be older than 7, crossing an imaginary bridge made of tile lines. Wishing I could be a little girl again, so I could have the license to be scared. So I could have the license to throw a tantrum because I don't want needles, thank you. So I could have the license to hold someone's hand, close my eyes, then have ice cream when all of it was over.

Then she walked through the swinging doors. And at the age of 26, I was a little girl again. She held my hand as a needle pierced my arm. She didn't let go until the second needle was out, until I opened my eyes and sighed and smiled. She didn't promise me ice cream, but having her around was enough to make me feel that it's okay to be scared, I am still a little girl, and this will all be over.

I never had to look elsewhere. My mom will always be there.

***

Love. I have too much to learn. I have a great teacher.

A Letter to Someone Who Will Definitely NOT Be Named Jennifer

If a little girl comes up to me, introduces herself as "Jennifer," claims that she comes from the future and declares that she is my daughter, I will not believe her.

No, it's not because I don't see myself having children. Do not get me wrong. I see myself, in the not-so-near future, raising an amazing human being made from amazing sex. I can see myself, in the not-so-near future, being an amazing mother. See, I don't find it hard to believe that I will have children some blessed day. I just do not believe, at all, that Jennifer is my daughter because of this - Jennifer is right on top of the list of names that I will NOT give my daughter.

***

To someone who will definitely NOT be named Jennifer,

That I did not name you Jennifer is something that you should be very, very thankful for (especially if you are a boy.)

I write this and I know that at this point, I am too selfish to have you in my life. I am too selfish to even have someone in my life who will donate the remaining half of your chromosomes. I am too selfish. Period.

I write this though I do not know when or how you will exist. I write this without any clue as to how things in my life will unfold to the part where I will get to smell the top of your head (I know your scalp will smell of lovemaking), and sing to you the music of my veins. Right now, I don't have much. I don't have enough to have you (save for my uterus and some other internal organs, but let's not get to the boring details). All I have is this - the stubborn belief that I will, in The Great Is's time, someday, hold you and keep you and love you with all that I am.

I have a messy life right now. Messier than my closet/hamper/recycling center. Messier than our house which is being renovated. Messier than my big yellow bag (it contains cashew nuts and bus tickets and a mascara that I don't use, save for when I'd be on a date, but then, I'm not dating right now). It's a mess, I don't even where to start mopping. And my concept of love, like my life, is very messy. I am reckless with people's hearts, including mine. I have a lot of things to learn, and even more things to un-learn. But at this point, I know this - I love you with a love that I cannot even imagine, or measure, or describe. I love you with a love that gives me hope, the hope that I will be able to heal and grow and blossom and someday, bear you.

I may not know the sound of your laugh when I say (or do, or both) something funny. I may not know how if feels like to get angry at you when you say (or do, or both) something that we will, in the future, realize to be funny. I may not know how life would be for the two of us (if it's the three of us, I am not sure, too) but know this - I dream of your laugh, and right now, when things are unbearable, I think of that laugh, and the fear, the pain, ebbs.

You. I do not know your name (but I know it will NOT be Jennifer). You inspire me to be a better human being so that when you come into my life, I will give to you, completely, without reservations, the very best of me.

You are my prayer.

***

I have a confession to make (but I'm sure you know this by now) - your father is NOT Phil Younghusband.

You Say You Plan To...

...fuck me

sober

drunk

stoned

in every state of consciousness

every level of being

every bit of my soul.

Knowing you, knowing me,

this will most likely be

THE

best sex we NEVER had.

***

" you know enough

that the consummation

the act itself

isn't the point.

It's the psychology behind it

I like all these poetry and shit

when we talk."

***

Yes, I steal your verses. This is for all the orgasms that you will never give me.

Rediscovering Passion

Today, I rediscovered this - I still have passion in my heart. That if I want something very, very, VERY badly, as if my life depended on it, I'd sacrifice a great deal of comfort to get it.

Today, I rode

a tricycle (7 minutes),

a jeep (15 minutes),

another jeep (40 minutes),

one more jeep (20 minutes),

a bus (1 hour),

walked 700 meters of gravel-slash-dirt road, under the 3 pm sun

just

for

a

P65-lip balm.

I spent my rest day, getting lost, getting hit on by jeep drivers wearing beer perfume, getting stuck in Alabang-Zapote road traffic (hands down worst traffic in the metropolis), eating cashew nuts, watching Eat Bulaga, reading at the most 2 pages of a book, telling the bus conductor "Kuya, ibaba niyo po ako sa Ilog Maria," every 7 minutes, as if I knew where the bee farm is. I spent the equivalent of two tolnampatchaitealattey's (my default Starbucks drink for now) in fare, just for a lip balm that costs less than half the caffeine fixes.

And of course, with the trouble that I went through just to get to Ilog Maria, I thought that I can't just go home with one lip balm. I ended up hoarding P740 worth of spa products, which, if I bought online, would cost me a little more than P1000, shipping and handling included. But the, where's the fun and excitement and life-endangerment in that?

I have become convinced that after a lot of failed dreams and relationships, I have turned into a passive person. I'd just take the most convenient person who comes around. I'd just sign the most convenient job contract that comes. I'm all about comfort, settling - which eventually leave me in a great deal of discomfort, a raging feeling of unsettledness. Today's trip to Revilla-land, to the bee farm, to a place of honest-to-goodness, no-to-advertising-it's-the-devil's-hand-at-work products, convinced me otherwise. I am still a person of passion. I'd go to great lengths for the perfect kiss.

I spent more than I thought I would. I got more tired than I thought I would. But I have no regrets save for this - I should have worn at least SPF 50.

***

Today, I finally had sugar again. Just a lick of it. But it's okay. The honey scrub is for my face, not for my tongue.

Today, I re-learned the value of sacrifice. Of perseverance. Of plain not giving up.

Today, I re-learned this - that life, yes, is sweet. And it's not just for the bees.

Today was a good day.

This woman needs eyebrow threading. Very badly.

The following is the most enlightening conversation I have had in my 26 years:

Joie: Uy, Mylene, kumain ka na ba? (Hala. Bakit nakatingin lang sa kin si Mylene? Kinukulam ba niya ako in her mind? Wala na talaga akong time maglaba ng panty, pasensya na, Mylene...)

Mylene: (Jesus. This woman needs eyebrow threading. Very badly.)

Joie: O, ano, bakit di ka sumasagot? Kumain ka na ba? Baka bigla mo na lang kaming isumbong sa asawa mo na hindi ka namin pinapakain. (Shet. Pinakuluan niya yung panty ko, at hipnotismo na 'tong ginagawa niya. Mamaya, may lalabas ng bayawak sa ilong ko. Shet.)

Mylene: (And upper lip threading, too) Oo man, ati.

Joie: Sumasagot ka naman pala e. E ano namang kinain mo? (Paano kung gusto pala niyang kainin ang atay ko?! Oh holy kamote tops!)

Mylene: (Oh. Those pores. Does she even get paid enough to have a facial?)

Joie: Ano ngang kinain mo? (Please, don't say na kaluluwa ko.)

Mylene: (Oh Lord. I really, really need to speak to her.) Pagkain, ati.

Joie reaches Nirvana.

***

I complain no end that I am having a shit time at work, that my job is sucking the life out of me. I have about 27 hours to do something insane, something to bring my joie de vivre back, and I am totally clueless. I don't want to plan. I am waiting for some wild, undismissable compulsion to attack me. Something that will rouse me even from the deepest of sleeps, make me pack just the very basics (money, underwear, valid ID) and just hit the road.

I want to live. Really live. I want to reclaim my passion. I want to fix me. I want to heal. I want to dance. I want to remember, remember the lyrics to my song. The song that The Great Is whispered to me at birth. The song that will guide the dance of my life.

***

Brutal truths that I have to chew today, in the absence of carbs.

1.) I have been an underachiever.

2.) I don't have a career, just a job that gets me through from payday to payday. Barely.

3.) Carbs make people happy. I don't eat carbs. Therefore...

4.) I miss Dan so much. I miss him more than I miss carbs.